I’ve disliked the idea of walking around with a number in mind since my high school adventure has begun. 

I don’t want to calculate my average for my top six courses… but eventually universities are going to calculate it for themselves and I will still be blind to how high their standards are in comparison to mine. If I calculate my overall average, I fear that all I’ll ever do is walk around with a number stirring around in my head, wondering how much of a difference I can make within the next X number of months. The closest I’ve ever gotten to revealing my overall average is by giving an estimated grade range… pretty pathetic, I know. At the end of the day, it is only my lack of confidence in my numbers that will eventually drive me into the ground… x__x
I can feel the burn from this anxious-edge-of-chair madness!  

MADNESS I SAY, MADNESS! 

I find that listening and watching people sing passionately helps me write more passionately :) 

*My hat goes off to Kurt Hugo Schneider, Max Schneider, Alex Goot and Sam Tsui <3

This is not a time to figure out how to relax. It is a time that requires hard work and perseverance. 

I realize that these times will come and go. It is like a ride that ceases to stop rendering you trapped in one place. But as you are isolated in one place, you are constantly moving forward at a speedy pace. Eventually, this ride will be come nothing more than a roller coaster in your eyes, and this will call for headaches, frustration and even sleepless nights.

If you do come to a conclusion that this ride will take you to a place that hinders your happiness, jump off.

But before you do, recognize that this ride has brought you somewhere far far away from your initial point. Notice that there’s a steering wheel located within your ride. Realize that you are able to control this ride but not the tracks.

If it is the promise land you seek, keep on searching. For it is nowhere near if you hop off immediately.    

Victoria Day, New Years, July 1st. 

What do all of these days of the year have in common? Fireworks.

I’m personally not a pyromaniac, but regardless I do get the jitters when I’m handling the ignition part of the show. 

The last thing on my mind when igniting the firework is to have it sputter out of control and backfire on me.
Yes, it’ll be a show, but not at the least worth experiencing.

We spoke so fondly about the future like we had a clue. Looking forward to spending many endless moments together. As all the excitement and anticipation built up for a beautiful light show the box had foretold, it’s never really exactly what you get.  

The firework I lit up had spun out of control and into the night sky. The blinding lights had blur my judgement and the deafen screech blocked out the voice of reason. 

It was about time I had a wake up call. 
One that will serve as a permanent reminder that things will spin out of control no matter how careful you are.  

Now, it is unlike me to “Cyber bug” someone, oppose to cyber bullying, but tonight was one of those days.

I got to experience first hand “bugging” someone without worrying about the consequence that they’ll track me down. To be a little bit more exact, I was on the FB black market and I heckled this seller like nobody’s business.

Now, keep in mind that i’m the buyer at this point rummaging through her clothes for sale. As well, I’m also on my ‘fake’ account.

I went through her albums, and asked a few questions about two tanks priced at $7/each and she offered $15 for both… that’s not exactly an appealing deal if you ask me.
At first I thought she just sucked at math, but that certainly wasn’t the case when she told me that $7 was only the starting bid, and she wasn’t willing part with it unless she got a high bid. What boggles my mind was the fact that she was willing to part with BOTH tanks at $15 ($7.50/each)..

I guess she wanted $0.50 more..

Being the ridiculous seller she is, I heckled her till the very end and said that I would rather bid with other buyers than the seller themselves.
As I was having this dispute with her, I found myself being a difficult customer. 
I also realized that I’m now living up to one of the characteristics about cyber bullying, and having a deeper understanding of the feeling of protection that I’m receiving from my computer screen.

I stopped contributing to the conversation right after she started talking about how great she is because she has money and a job.. this conversation was obviously getting a little personal. 

In the end, I don’t think either of us were really hurt. I had an interesting thought from this dispute, other than that, I think I’ll call it a day for the FB black market. 

Goodnight <3

It saddens my heart to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. 

The relationship that my mother and I have build from birth has crumbled to dust since my early teen years over countless number of arguments. I look at her with detest for she is the vile woman that gave birth to me. 

What got me to start blogging about this is not simply another mistake that my mother made, but the feeling of emptiness that has taken over this relationship. 

Today is her birthday. Though she did not get to celebrate it because of work, she came home cheerful anyway. All she could talk about tonight was the fact that salmon was expensive, my friends should learn how to make it and how she hardly eats any of the salmon she prepares. This wasn’t an attack against my choice in friends or anything of the offensive nature, but more of I want to talk to my daughter sort of thing. 

I immediately became the shutdown party, by telling her that I get the idea she is trying to convey and that she should leave me alone to study. She did so without a word.

Our relationship is sad. I cannot help but feel the way I do about my mother in part hate, but part sadness. Today’s her birthday, I should have gotten her something nice, perhaps flowers and a dinner. Tonight, both my mother and I ate leftovers from the night before. Nothing special was dedicated to her special day. Though it may be an arbitrary day, it is nonetheless her day.

Maybe it’s time to forgive and forget as they say.